The Missing Emotion

When you don’t feel an emotion for a very long time you start believing that you won’t feel it ever.

Happens to all of us, right? If you don’t get angry, you feel nothing is going to annoy you ever again. If things don’t upset you, you feel the world is slowly turning into a happy place.

If you have been out of love for years, you probably feel you will never fall in love again. But what if that one person gives you all those feelings that you thought you would never feel, again and again? What if every time you have a conversation with him, you get reminded of those feelings that you once had?

 --  “Hey, I may come to India soon. Will plan a trip to Delhi. ”

-- “Oh! Really?” -- “Yes. It’s been a while since we have spoken?”

-- “You don’t remember the last time we spoke? Didn’t go too well.” 

-- “I do. Skype?”

The same conversation after months of absolute silence. Did anything change? Maybe they laugh a little less than they used to; maybe she has has stopped asking when are they meeting, or, if they are ever going to meet again; maybe he has stopped suggesting she should move on. That’s all that changed. The conversations. The emotions kept coming back, every time. More with each conversation.

The anger, the longing, the joy, the excitement followed by the calmness, and those butterflies. And, it is only at these times you feel you haven’t changed. You still feel those emotions you thought are dead, and never going to return.

It’s like when Bob, the Minion, pops out of a box with his stuffed toy and says: “King Bob. Pwede na?” You are not too sure whether you are happy to know your feelings aren’t dead, or scared of what it is capable of.

It’s only at these times you feel you can fall in love again. But, just not with him. Not again.

The man with a ring

Last night, he looked into my eyes, and whispered, "I can give my life for you." I, of course, laughed and said, "You are a fool!" We were both drunk.

This wasn't the first time we were intoxicated and in close proximity. But, this was the first time he said exactly what I had wanted to hear, once. It only came too late. Six months late.

I can't deny I had pined for him, once. I can't deny that I would replay that song that had his name, over and over again, so much so I almost broke the replay button. I can't deny that I would keep checking his tweets to find something that I can start a conversation with. And then I would send a text, nervously, "Hey, did you hear what Amit Shah just said?"

We bonded over politics and beer. But it came with his disclaimer, "I don't feel emotions."

But of course he didn't feel emotions. And for a while, I told myself 'emotions are for fools.' I didn't feel anything either. Or so I thought.

Till of course, the news of his 'ring' came. His ceremonious 'ring.'

"So, what does she look like? Is she pretty? Will you bring her to Mumbai?," I asked.

He would, most often, nod his head at these questions. And, smile. I never tried to understand what that smile really meant.

The only thing I knew was this was a battle we chose not to fight. We knew we would lose. Or, would we? It did not matter anymore. It was too late.

Hell or heaven?

Staying up on a Friday night without alcohol means sorrow. Well, most often. And what do you do about it? Everyone's asleep. And you don't want to talk to humans--you are practically done with them. So? You blog.

Sitting alone on my window sill today I wondered so who goes to hell and who goes to heaven. Who decides? We all have lied, cheated and broken hearts at some point of time. Then? Who is the less cheater among us?

That gorgeous woman I saw at the bar last evening--she looked sad. Somehow. Her heart may have been broken. But then again she may have broken a thousand of hearts too. That cute guy sitting on the next table, waiting for his girlfriend maybe, may have blamed people for his faults. Several times.

And I realised, there maybe no hell or heaven at all. It's what we carry with ourselves. The bad memories are hell, and the good ones are heaven. But somehow hell always overpowers heaven. 

You are not supposed to like...

What do you when you start liking someone you are not supposed to?

Why are you 'not supposed to'? Well, because your life has certain rules. You are supposed to abide by them. You have made promises that can't be broken. You are to follow a path that you created, you decided. If you decide to like that someone, they will say you wronged too many.

But. What do you do when you like someone you are not supposed to?

You do not want to, you know it is wrong. Who says it is wrong? They. You. Everyone. You heart knows it's not fair.

Yet, what do you if you like someone you are not supposed to?

I wonder.

Scold yourself and get back to work.

Where are the fairies?

There was a time I couldn't think beyond you. The thought of you not being there in my life, would kill me. You came. We loved. We conquered. A chapter was written.  And I thought to myself who said fairytales don't exist? I am living one.

We lived that fairy tale for quite some time.

But I don't remember when all the fairies died. They wouldn't cure if we were hurt. They wouldn't listen to either of us. We were left on our own. And that's when we realised fairies can create magic. We can't.

I don't remember falling out of love. Considering how passionate I am, about almost everything, I can never stop loving a person.

I know you can't either.

Maybe you will continue to make music, and me? I'll continue to wrestle with words.

Maybe that's how life will go on till me find our fairies.

It's not the same. Anymore

Without you..nothing is the same. And why should it be? You were the difference.

The waking up isn't the same. I don't have to tell anyone it's morning.
The breaking news isn't the same. I don't have any calls to disconnect and say "I am busy."
The smoking isn't the same. There's no one to tell me.."not much, please."
Neither is the buzzing phone same nor is the 5.0 mp camera.
The shopping isn't the same. Google chat, or bread with ham--nothing is same.

There's no you.

But. I know. I realize. My role in the your movie is over. I accept.

Without you "Hrid majhare rakhbo" will never sound the same.

Kolkata...makes me happy. And sad

There's a lot about Kolkata. When the pilot announces, "We are landing in Kolkata, Nejaji Shubas Chandra Bose Airport. Temperature outside 30 degree Celsius"... Your heart skips a beat. You feel those butterflies yet again. The thrill of hearing, speaking and eating Bengali is a feeling that just cannot be described.

And then, a day passes. Kosha mangsho, shutki mach, chocchori, chaa and cigarettes after cigarettes are just the beginning to an awesome holiday you believe. The air makes you feel that you belong here. You tell yourself that this will be the last holiday. Next time you'll be Kolkata's again. But well, it doesn't turn out that way.

Slowly, things happen. Things that make you sad. Things that make you angry. Things you thought you will never look back at when you left the city 3 years back.  Things that remind why you left, why you decided never to come back. And then you feel you need to leave Kolkata again. Just, this time you don't know if you can ever say "home is where heart is."